The Tipping Point

How much is too much?

As a morbidly obese female, I am part of the 55% of women in the U.S. who are overweight. 55% of women and 63% of men! This is according to Ask.com, so take that as you will.

If this is so, how come it is okay - even the norm - - to make fun of me? Not me, personally, of course. But fat people in general?

When I was fairly young, my parents got a divorce and suddenly everything was different for me. My mom went to work and I was left for hours at a babysitter's. I had no control over anything. I had to play what the big kids wanted to play, watch what they watched, etc. Then I got old enough to be a latch-key kid. Suddenly I could do what I wanted. I could play my stupid made up games and watch Scooby doo instead of playing Superfriends and watching Dukes of Hazzard (not that there is anything wrong with that). But more importantly, I could eat whatever I wanted.

I had this friend, Sarah, who had working parents like me; and we would go to the grocery store and pretend we were grown ups. They only problem was we could only afford candy. So we got it; and pretended it was real food. I had candy dinner lots of times.

My mom worked hard to support us and I had a lot of fast food meals growing up. This was before everyone realized trans-fat could kill. A time when a Happy Meal was still happy - - if you will. I don't blame my mom for my weight, and you shouldn't either.

Anyway, long story short - - a lot of crap to eat and long hours in front of the TV made me what I am today. A 240lb. bum. (Yeah, that's a lot of ass.)

I have heard my share of fat jokes and snide remarks. Although I should remind you that less than half of the population can MAKE these jokes... I have been called a beached whale, fat ass, lardo - - I am sure the list goes on and on and on. I stopped listening a long time ago. I surrounded myself with friends who didn't care about my size or at least who never said anything derogatory to my face. I liked to think that people liked me for me. I surrounded myself in a soft blanket of forgiving pals who helped shield me from the real world. You know - - that harsh place where men call all women bitches. That place where it is okay to look at a women and say "I don't know what is more disgusting-that woman's fat ass or her daughters'." That place where it's acceptable to call gay men faggot and pussy and in general make fun of everyone else. That place where you live.

Now - - what is my tipping point? When do I say enough is enough? When I am laying in bed at night promising myself I wont cheat on my diet the next day? When I hear some drunk guy singing Fat People Got No Reason to Live? Or maybe when I am humiliated in a restaurant? And what should I do? Lose weight, right, I get it. Stop caring what other people think (yeah right). Not care? Just doesn't seem like a real option. Oh I know, turn to my friends. Yup, I run away. I may seem like the type to get all mad and in your face....but that's just a front. If you make me cry it will be a long time coming before I will look you in the eye again. I can make you cease to exist in my fat little world.

Now, is that the right thing to do? Run away? Nope. It's probably the worst option because then the people who have hurt you are free to do, say and think anything they want without knowing exactly how you feel. Hey man, I never said I was normal or rational - - it's just my coping mechanism and I have been using it for my whole life.

Anyway, I digress. My point here is that I am not going to run away from my obesity anymore. I'm through pretending that I'm just a little overweight. My freaking BMI is 42. That means that almost half of me is fat. I AM disgusting. I probably don't deserve to be loved (luckily for me I am loved so FUCK YOU, realworlder).

Okay so the whole idea here is to put myself out there for real. Reach the tipping point. Tell my real weight, stop hiding. I'm trying to exist in the real world. It's a scary place. I think I have lost friends being here and that really sucks, but I am here now and thats what matters. I have to find a happy place that I can live in - - yet still exist in reality....no....live in reality.

I am still trying to learn that one lesson... I am the most important person in my life.

If you are there for me, great - - if not - - see ya. My fat ass is going down, enough is enough.